


What Howon Means

by zimnyayazola



Category: Infinite (Band), K-pop
Genre: Gender Identity, Other, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-09
Updated: 2015-09-09
Packaged: 2018-04-19 23:44:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4765436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zimnyayazola/pseuds/zimnyayazola
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Howon doesn't mean to feel this way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What Howon Means

**Author's Note:**

> TW: self-harm - there's no mention of it after "He doesn't mean to start watching Dongwoo." 
> 
> I own neither the idols nor their companies. I only own the actual writing.

He doesn’t mean to do it the first time. It’s simply an accident from being too forceful with the knife out of anger. It’s tiny even, with only that one bead of blood that slowly seeps out.

But for Howon, it’s fascinating. His meal sits forgotten on the table.

Of course, he presses on the sides of his finger to make sure as much blood as possible comes out. It hurts, but it’s the good kind of hurt. It soothes his anger at himself, at his mom, and at the world.

His only thought is to see more of that beautiful red against his skin.

When the knife slides across his hand the second time, it’s with a purpose. He watches as blood emerges from the wound almost as soon as the knife is gone. It stains his skin with its color and leaves him with yet another thought.

Why hasn’t he done this before?

The knife cuts through a third and a fourth time as he watches more blood bead on his hand. It rolls down the side and lands on his thigh. That drop draws his attention to the flawless skin there. But it’s not really flawless, is it? There’s a spot here and a small scar there. There’s even a bruise above his knee.

He takes the knife and slowly traces the bruise. When there's a ring of red surrounding it, he rubs his already bloody hand over it, smearing the red over the black and blue blemish. A drop of colorless liquid lands on his creation. What? Blood isn't colorless.

His dirty hands go to his face and he feels the tracks that tears have left. He’s crying?

This isn't pain. This is good. This is the good kind of pain. This is the pain he deserves.

He wipes his face to rid himself of the tears, simultaneously wiping blood over his cheeks and around his eyes. His attention returns to his thigh. The blood has trickled down the side and onto the carpet below the table where he sits. Shit.

He jumps out of the chair to grab a napkin. A jolt of pain shoots up through his thigh and he groans, his leg giving out against the table. Howon lays his head down. He lets the tears flow.

Through the pain, he still can’t stop thinking about Dongwoo’s eyes.

The blood doesn’t look so fascinating anymore.

 

 

He doesn’t mean to start watching Dongwoo. He doesn’t even know when it began. Was it when Howon first saw him? Was it when Dongwoo said hello?

All Howon knows is that it’s wrong. No man should ever watch another like this.

Why can’t he just find a nice girl? A girl who has a big smile, a charming personality, and takes stupid selcas just like-

No. He doesn’t want to think about Dongwoo’s big smile, Dongwoo’s charming personality, or Dongwoo’s stupid selcas. Especially his stupid selcas.

Howon regrets following him on Instagram. He regrets _making_ an Instagram.

Howon regrets a lot of things actually.

He regrets meeting Dongwoo. He would still be normal if it wasn’t for him. He would still be happily nonexistent if it wasn’t for him. He would be able to fade into the background.

Now, he’s slipping. Without actively trying to fade out, he’s being pulled into the forefront and put on the spot. People are noticing him. Specifically, his mom.

And Howon hates it. Howon hates Dongwoo. He hates him for being happy, for being attractive, and for being the kind of person Howon always wanted to be.

It’s not fair. But then again, nothing in life is fair.

Howon notices everything about Dongwoo. He notices the way he puts his all into every laugh, every smile. It makes you feel special just to be around him. He notices the way his skin flows almost flawlessly over his arms. How many girls has Dongwoo embraced? He notices how his jawline is practically sinful. He wishes he could trail his fingers over the sharp turn of his chin.

Dongwoo might as well be the center of Howon’s life right now, with how much he’s drawn to the other boy. Hopefully, said boy hasn’t noticed his interest. He isn’t exactly subtle.

Maybe Dongwoo really does notice, but chooses to turn a blind eye and ignore Howon. Maybe Dongwoo is actually disgusted by him and that’s why they haven’t spoken since their first meeting. Howon decides to ignore Dongwoo for the rest of his life.

Howon isn’t gay.

But Dongwoo is slowly changing that.

 

 

He doesn’t mean to feel this way. Something is wrong and he doesn't know how to stop it. Something got messed up and tricked his brain into thinking that this is ok. It's definitely not ok.

It starts with eyeliner. Howon knows a lot of guys his age who wear it, so that means it's normal, right?

No one notices the way he watches how the girls do their makeup.

He knows he's in too deep when he begins eyeing the skirts in the mall. He tries to frame his questions as though he were buying it for a girl, but he's sure the saleswoman is suspicious. Why would an 18 year old boy buy a skirt?

No one warned him of how good it would feel to wear it.

When Howon looks in the mirror, he sees someone he wasn't expecting. This person in the mirror is smiling as they twirl the fabric of the skirt around them. They're happy. The skirt fits well on them and covers the scars he knows are there. This person could even pass as a girl on the bottom half. Their legs are thin and slender.

He shaves his legs. The hair doesn't come off as easily as he had hoped it would, so he does it over and over. He nicks some spots and there is blood, but he ignores it. Just as he ignores the reason he's shaving in the first place.

He steals one of Dongwoo's sister's bras. How could he buy one? He has a little bit of trouble putting it on and it's tight because he's wider than her. The tightness of his shirt pulls the fabric of the bra close to his body and defeats the whole purpose. He thought that the kind with the padding was supposed to stay in that form. He tries to stuff it with tissues, but there’s way too many. He tries socks instead.

Finding a woman’s shirt is a lot easier. He hides it in the pile of men’s clothes that he takes to the dressing room. He buys a size bigger than what he fits in to accommodate the bra, but he’s still unsure if it fits the way it’s supposed to.

When Howon looks in the mirror now, donning the blouse, the bra, the skirt, and freshly shaven legs, he sees a girl standing there. She's smiling softly at him.

 _This is me_ , she says. _I am you. I am Hoya._

 

 

He doesn’t mean to fail. He tries so hard not to. He puts his all into everything he does, so what could possibly go wrong?

His mom finds the bra.

She questions him about having a girl over behind her back. She calls him a pervert when he insists that it's for him.

_This is for my other self. She's me, but not me. I didn't choose to live this way or be this way._

She calls him confused and curious. Those words don’t hurt Howon. He understands how she could think that. He is confused and curious.

_It’s not all the time. Most of the time, I wake up and feel like a guy, and other days, I feel like a girl. Sometimes, I feel like both._

She calls him wrong and disgusting. Those words hurt in a way that Howon doesn’t know how to deal with.

She wants him out. Howon pleads with her to let him stay. He’ll stop wondering, stop wearing those clothes, stop thinking this way.

_My son wouldn’t think like that. You’re not my son._

She grabs his backpack and throws it at him. Howon is crying now, something he hasn’t done in front of his mother since he was little. His mother pauses for a second, he thinks, then turns her back on him.

_Please. Please. Please. I’m still the same person._

She opens his dresser and begins to grab handfuls of his clothes, tossing them in his general direction.

_I bet you’re gay, too._

He stays silent and she laughs.

_You’re such a fucking disgrace. Take your clothes and get out._

He packs his bag and his mother forces him out of the house. She slams the door behind him.

He goes to Dongwoo.

 

 

He doesn’t mean to fall in love with Dongwoo. It’s kind of an accident.

Dongwoo is the bright sunshine when he wakes up in the morning. He is the safety net Howon needs when he feels like he’s breaking down. He’s the one who picks up the pieces when Howon’s mother kicks him out.

His best friend immediately welcomes him into the house when Howon shows up on the doorstep. His face is a mess and the tears won’t stop. Dongwoo rushes him up to his room, the door closing behind him. Howon sits on the bed while Dongwoo hastily grabs the box of tissues on his desk.

_Are you ok? What am I saying? Of course, you aren’t. Please stop crying. Whatever is wrong will be ok. I promise. I’m here. Please stop crying._

Howon’s tears don’t stop. This feeling he has now is disgraceful, his mother said so. Although, it’s hard to think that any of his feelings toward Dongwoo could be bad. Why is it so bad to love someone?

And he does. He loves this boy in front of him. He loves the boy that is kneeling before him, trying to wipe away his tears and soothe his worries. Dongwoo has no idea what happened and yet here he is, his face lined with concern for him.

_Mom kicked me out._

Dongwoo is furious. His hands are in fists on either side of Howon and he’s frowning. Howon’s heart hurts.

After he tells Dongwoo what happened, the other is even more pissed than he was before.

_What a bitch. Kicking out her kid for being gay and genderqueer. Wow._

That word is new to Howon. He doesn’t know exactly what it is, but Dongwoo doesn’t say it negatively so he’s glad.

_You aren’t disgusted?_

Dongwoo looks shocked. Like he can’t believe Howon would ask something like that.

_Of course not. How could someone as great as you be disgusting? You can stay here, Howon. Who cares what your mom says? Stay here with me._

 

 

Howon definitely means to tell Dongwoo.

When he jumps on Dongwoo’s sleeping form, the older boy whines. He’ll refuse to admit he ever made such a sound later. Howon loves those sounds.

_You’ve done that every morning since you moved in three months ago and it still annoys me._

Howon laughs and lifts the blanket so he can climb in. He knows Dongwoo is joking.

_Howon or Hoya?_

Dongwoo wraps his arms around the other and opens his eyes.

_Howon._

He kisses Howon’s forehead.

Dongwoo’s mom calls them both down for breakfast. His dad throws in a comment on wanting them to look presentable. Howon loves them. As much as he loves Dongwoo’s parents, he wishes he could just lay in bed all day with Dongwoo.

They stay there a little longer before there is another call for them and they’re forced to get up.

Dongwoo shoves Howon off the bed. He lands on the floor and yells indignantly at the laughing other boy.

_You’re lucky I love you._

Dongwoo grins.


End file.
